Logan the Spider Slayer
by Red Witch
Summary: Logan must come to grips with his latest challenge, taking care of a small spider infestation at the Institute.


**A spider has crawled off with the disclaimer saying that I don't own any X-Men Evolution characters. I just had this mad idea and I had to run with it. Oh Logan torture can be such fun if you do it right. **

**Logan the Spider Slayer**

"LOGAN!" Kitty screamed at the top of her lungs outside her room. "LOGAN! I NEED YOU!"

Logan ran up with his claws bared. "Kitty? What is it? Are we under attack? What's wrong?"

"It's in there!" Kitty jumped up and down hysterically. "It's in there! Get it! Get it!"

Logan ran into her room and looked around. "What? Where?"

"On the desk! On the desk!" Kitty pointed screaming. "Get it!"

"What? Where? I don't see anything!" Logan shouted back.

"There! It's so gross! Crawling near my makeup! Get it!" Kitty screamed.

Logan stopped and looked at the situation. "Kitty…That's a spider."

"I KNOW!" Kitty screamed. "KILL IT!"

Logan looked at her. "You gotta be kidding me."

"Get it off! Get it off!" Kitty jumped up and down.

"Half Pint," Logan sheaved his claws. "It's just a little spider."

"You gotta kill it!" Kitty whimpered. "Ewww…"

"You're not actually scared of that little thing are you?"

"Yes I am! Kill it!"

"Oh for crying out…" Logan rolled his eyes then glared at her. "Half Pint, you've been up against Sabertooth, the Brotherhood, Magneto, Apocalypse and Sentinels and you're freaking out over a stupid **spider?**"

"I hate spiders!" Kitty told him. "Go on! Kill it!"

"Just take a tissue and smash it," Logan told her.

"You do it!" Kitty pleaded. "It's icky!"

"Icky?" Logan looked at her. "**Icky?** Kitty this can't be the first spider you've encountered! What about when we were holed up in that cave?"

"Believe me, that wasn't a picnic," Rogue walked in. "What's going on?"

"There's a spider on my desk!" Kitty pointed. "And I need Logan to kill it!"

"No you don't," Logan sighed.

"Yes I do!" Kitty shouted.

"Don't kill it!" Rogue said. "It's just a harmless little spider."

"Yes! He has to kill it!" Kitty shouted. "I want it dead, dead, **dead!**"

"Why are you so out to get it?" Rogue shouted. "You're a vegetarian! I thought the whole point of being one was not to kill things!"

"Bugs don't count!" Kitty shot back. "You don't eat bugs! They're creepy and gross and disgusting and have like a ton of germs on them!"

"Technically a spider's not a bug you ditz," Rogue rolled her eyes. "It's an arachnid."

"It's disgusting that's what it is!" Kitty shouted.

"It is not," Rogue said.

"Well then **you** can get rid of it," Logan told her and tried to leave. "And I can get a drink."

"I ain't touching that thing!" Rogue held him back. "You gotta get rid of it."

"Me? A minute ago you were pleading for its life," Logan said.

"I thought you **liked **spiders?" Kitty asked sarcastically.

"I like tigers too but I wouldn't get in a cage with one," Rogue told her. "Logan just pick it up and throw it out the window or something."

"Why **me?"** Logan asked looking at them.

"Because you're a guy," Kitty said nervously. "It's your job."

"**My **job?" Logan looked at them. "My **job?"**

"She said it not me," Rogue pointed at Kitty.

"Kitty my job here is to train the X-Men and provide security for the Mansion," Logan folded his arms. "Where exactly does it say in my job description that I'm a pest control expert?"

"Well you chase off the Brotherhood all the time," Rogue pointed out.

"Besides you said it yourself you have to provide security and my stuff is under attack!" Kitty whined. "Oh god now it's crawling over all my books! Please Logan! Pleeeeeeeeeeessseee!"

"Oh all right! **All right!** Stop whining!" Logan gave up. He picked up a tissue and hovered over the desk. "I can't believe I'm doing this…Come here you! Got ya!" He put the tissue down and got the spider.

"Did you kill it?" Kitty asked anxiously.

"Don't kill it!" Rogue said.

"I didn't kill it!" Logan sighed. "I'm gently taking it into custody. Now I'm gonna throw it out the window…" He started to cross the room.

"No!" Kitty shouted. "Not there! It could crawl back in!"

"Yeah you gotta throw it far away so it can't get back in," Rogue told him.

"What do you want me to do?" Logan asked. "Call it a cab and send it to see a Broadway show?"

"Just get it out of here, please?" Kitty cringed.

"Oh all right!" Logan grumbled. "I'll throw it out the front door!"

"Thank you Logan!" Kitty called out as Logan left the room.

"I don't believe I am doing this…" Logan muttered as he started to walk down the hallway with the tissue held carefully in his hand. "This is the stupidest…most idiotic…"

"Logan!" Jean came up to him. "Logan are you busy?"

Logan looked at the tissue in his hand. "Yeah, I'm handling a matter of national security. What is it Jean?"

"Could you help me?" Jean looked a little squeamish. "There's some kind of bug on my wall."

"For crying out loud! Not you too!" Logan groaned. "I just went through this with Kitty!" He indicated the tissue.

Jean recoiled. "That's a bug in there?"

"Technically a spider is not a bug," Logan told her. "And yes it's alive."

"Well since you've got one already you can get another," Jean pushed him towards her room.

"Why me? Why can't **you** take care of it?" Logan protested.

"I don't wanna touch it!"

"You're a telekinetic! You don't have to touch it!" Logan told her as he entered the room. "Where is it?"

"On the wall," Jean pointed. "Just get it."

"This is sexism you know?" Logan snapped. "Why don't you get your boyfriend to do this?"

"I can't find him," Jean said. "He took off before I could get him."

"Smart man," Logan grumbled as he picked up another tissue with his hand. "Now do you have any special instructions on how I should do this? Do you want me to smash it or not?"

"Not. I don't want any marks on my wall."

"Oh heaven forbid **that** happens," Logan said sarcastically as he got it. "I got it, I…Oh crap now the first one got loose! It's on my arms!" He slapped at his arm. "Great! Now the **other **one's loose!"

"Get them! Don't let them get away!" Jean squealed. "There it is! Kill it!"

"Fine!" Logan slapped at his arms. "What is it with you girls and spiders? Any other animal you'd be begging to save its life but just because they've got eight flaming legs…You'd probably wanna give it the electric chair if you could! Got ya! And you!"

Rogue walked in just as Logan killed the two spiders with the tissue. "You killed those spiders?"

"They were resisting arrest!" Logan snapped. He made a move to throw the tissue into the garbage pail near Jean's bed.

"Don't throw it in **there!"** Jean stopped him.

"Why **not?"** Logan asked.

"It's…icky," Jean fidgeted.

"It's a trash can!" Logan said.

"Yeah near her bed," Rogue told him. "You can't put it there."

"What? You're afraid their relatives are gonna keep you awake with a funeral?" Logan asked. "Fine! I'll take the corpses away."

"What are you gonna do with them?" Rogue asked.

"I'll give 'em a burial at sea!" Logan shot back as he went to the nearest bathroom.

After flushing the tissue down the toilet Logan went back into the halls. "Crazy girls. They can destroy any building they want but one stupid spider…" He heard a commotion. "**Now** what?" He went to investigate.

Ray and Roberto were shouting at each other. "You kill it!" Roberto shouted pointing at a spider on the wall.

"No, **you **kill it!" Ray snapped. "Use your powers!"

"That'll set the wall on fire doofus!" Roberto snapped. "Why don't you use **your **powers?"

"It could interfere with the wiring in the walls or something," Ray said.

"Well then take a book and smash it!" Roberto said.

"It's your idea you do it!" Ray snapped.

"You do it!" Roberto shouted.

"No, you do it!"

"You do it!"

"**You** do it!"

"**You** do it!"

"I'LL DO IT!" Logan roared as he picked up a book.

SPLAT!

There was a huge smudge on the wall. Logan casually dropped the book down on the floor. "There. It's dead. Now you can give it a funeral."

Ray and Roberto looked at the smudge. "You clean it up," Roberto said.

"No, **you **clean it up," Ray said back.

"I don't wanna clean that up," Roberto said.

"Well I'm not gonna clean up spider guts and…" Ray began.

Logan lost his temper. He stuck out one of his claws and cut the chunk of the wall where the spider was killed out. Then he took the wall chunk and threw it out of the open window.

"Problem solved!" Logan snapped at them before leaving the room.

"Is there a problem, Logan?" Xavier asked as he met a fuming Logan in the halls.

"Yeah, if any of our enemies decides to attack us with spiders, we're **dead!"** Logan told him. "Maybe I should make that one of our Danger Room scenarios? How to kill a one inch spider with a bazooka!"

"Don't you think you're being a little…?" Xavier began.

"They can save the world ten times over but they can't handle a few stupid little baby spiders in their own rooms! I swear Charles these kids are going to drive me crazy," Logan turned to leave. "If I hear just one more stupid request out of **any **of 'em…"

"Uh, Logan…" Xavier cleared his throat. "There's a spider web in the corner of my bedroom ceiling. If you wouldn't mind…?"

SNIKT!


End file.
